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Tolerance is a lifetime's experience.

It's 11 o' clock in the morning, I've had 6 hours sleep, and I'm actually eating a proper breakfast of eggs, bagels, and toast. There's snow dusting outside, and I have an entire apartment to clean.

Yeah, it's one of those days.

I'm feeling pretty good today, considering my stomach's been bothering me since Wednesday, and my wrist refuses to bend certain ways or support weight without pain. I managed to avoid getting properly sick (ha, another year in my streak), even though I spent several hours Thursday in a hot zone with my friend and her family suffering/recovering from various stages of the norovirus. When her sister-in-law began complaining of symptoms and her mother-in-law came home from vomiting at the office I figured I'd better bail while my immune system was in good standing.

And behold! Victory, as I escaped with health relatively intact, or at least no worse than the stomach ache with which I arrived.

So I made it through the week, and oh, somebody (me) is going to be enjoying having a solid eight hour sleep schedule again, no more of this 2:30 alarm shit in freezing cold darkness. Call me bitter, but a wise man kills for good sleep. Those who come between us recieve no less than they deserve.

It's going to be strange being on vacation soon. It's been three years since my last extended stay away from home, and creatures of comfort like me aren't very good about them. We tend to drag half the house along for the ride and then count the days until we go back. At least I'll be traveling alone (company while traveling is generally a less than desirable element), and modern technology as made it easier than ever to bring my comforts with me. I'm not sure how I feel about flying anymore. It's been so long since I have, and while it's never bothered me, my...perspective of it has changed somewhat since then. I suppose I'll just have to see.

Ha. Actually, no, that's stupid. I've never been that weak or soft.

There is a giant fluffy shark in my bedroom corner that's calling to me rather enticingly, but alas, there is also a mountain of clean laundry on my closet floor, and a pile of books stacked around my feet, and an entire living space in need of a thorough once-twice-over before the day is up, because god help me if that lazy slob piece of shit I call a roommate will lift a finger to so much as wipe up after himself while I'm away. I'll be lucky if he at least maintains a status quo after I'm done, because it's always too much to expect him to do anything in the place unless he knows for a fact I'll be cross about it later, and yes, that does require being explicitly stated or observed beforehand to actually cross his mind.

My mother didn't raise a pig in a sty, but one must always mourn another's lack of such education.

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Next time we meet, it's forever.

My secret keeper died recently.

Her funeral was today.

I'm not really sad though. Though I suppose, why should I be? I already mourned and buried her a year ago, when I realized that she really and truly was no longer the person I'd always known, the person who had been my friend and confidant, who had shared secrets with me for most of my life. We never got our little house together. We never had our lunch date when she came home. If I ever have kids, she'll never know them. I can't visit her to share my thoughts or frustrations. My safe place is gone. I'll never get it back.

But she's not lonely anymore. She's whole now, and she kept her promise. She took those secrets with her, where they'll be safe.

And one day, when I go, I'll do the same. It'll be a while before I fulfill my half, but a promise is a promise all the same.

In the same way she's at peace, so am I. I hope that little piece of me is with her too, to keep her company while she waits.

I bought flowers on the way home, my favorites, and when I went to leave, a storm was coming down. And I thought it was funny, because a storm had blown in the same day I was born, when she was there and gave me my nickname.

I felt like she was saying hello.

Hey. I can move on now, right? I'm in a good place now, after so long. So are you. It'll be a while...it'll be a good while yet.

But I hope I see you again, at the end of this ride. I'll have a lot to tell you.

You're home now. Welcome home.

My backlist seems to keep growing.

So my roommate and I have agreed this is going to be a very annoying month of gaming for us. This month is apparently the one that most of the games we're looking forward to release (one of mine in just two days!), and we're already neck-deep in current playthroughs. In my case, I'm still trudging through Bravely Default, and since I recently picked up Legend of Dragoon from the PSN, I hope to get started on that soon. This is not even mentioning the six-seven other playthroughs I have to finish all in varying degrees of distance to completion.

This is also going to be a rather expensive month for me, as on top of bills, I have a figure coming up, two games on reserve, my vehicle renewal, and a personal expense to be handled at the earliest convenience.

Not fun.

Socially, one of my friends and I have had to reschedule our sleepover three times now (yes, I still do sleepovers at my age, why the hell not?), and another friend I'm trying to raise on the radar for the breakfast we promised to do.

The weather here finally seems to be taking a turn for the better. Today it was sunny and 70 and fucking beautiful. We finally managed to air out the apartment, threw open all the windows. I'll have to remember to do a full cleaning sometime this week before my next work shift. Speaking of calender reminders, I should probably post that job fair reminder somewhere...

Fandom has been killing me. Nothing that I'm into right now seems to be churning out updates or new fics. The whole thing is stale, so it's been several days of rereading favorites and digging outside my usual interests for hidden gems. Slow fandoms are by far my least favorite things. Maybe it's good my games are coming up, if this is how it's going to be.

I also realized I completely FAILED to put down any of the data for Victor & Clyde! I'm so fucking ashamed of myself! I went to pull up the doc for it and it's practically empty! All the story and gameplay and character details we spent days brainstorming, and I didn't record any of it? This is why I need to have one of those recorders with me as all times. I mean, I know I've been procrastinating with the designs, but that's because I haven't really been in a mood to draw in so fucking long, and the style the characters are going to be in isn't one of my strong suits at all, so that just discourages me more.

But the writing? I forgot that? I'm a disgrace to my creative trade.

There seems to just be a lot of shit to do, and not enough time to do it in. In reality, there's plenty of time, but I've never been proficient in efficiency or expedeancy, so I can only dread the upcoming days.

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Who says I'm an overachiever?

So I just finished Fire Emblem: Awakening.

Oh, my heart. I have so many fucking headcanons and ships and so, so much fucking love for that game.

I didn't do everything I wanted to do before beating the game, so I will be going back to my save and polishing things up that I was aiming for, but I needed to to skip them in the interest of beating it for two reasons: one, so I can talk to my friend about it properly so she doesn't have to worry about spoiling me anymore, and two, BRAVELY DEFAULT.

Yeah, I bought it. But since I picked it up before beating Fire Emblem, I told myself I couldn't play it until I did. Then I remembered I hadn't yet picked up the demo, which was supposed to give you a boost for the full game, so, since I was taking a break from grinding on Fire Emblem, I grabbed it and gave it a roll.

AND I FUCKING LOVED IT AND I PLOWED THROUGH IT AND MAXED OUT FUCKING EVERYTHING AND HOW SAD IS IT THAT I ADORE IT SO MUCH WHEN I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE CHARACTERS OR THE STORY BECAUSE THE DEMO WAS JUST A STAND-ALONE LITTLE ADVENTURE?

And the art style, jesus christ. I--guh--my feels--I can't. I'm so endeared to it. It's so cute. I wish it was a pop-up book, like a bed time story, then I could read at night while falling asleep.

Yeah. That's how much I fucking loving it.

At some point, I want to get the new Phoenix Wright game, and I finally managed to pick up Dream Drop Distance, but those are definitely lower on my priority right now. Tomorrow, I start on Bravely Default.

Also, it doesn't help that playing the demo made me want to work on Victor & Clyde. Curses.

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There is probably nothing I've seen that is more annoying than watching someone talk about how awesome a game is, and whine how they want more, and then refuse to actually PLAY THE FUCKING GAME because they're worried it might not be as awesome as they thought.

Especially when people repeatedly tell them, 'no, it actually is as good as what you're seeing, because that shit is IN the fucking game.'

Worse, WORSE, is how they won't even go watch it. What the fuck do you think YouTube is for? It would take you 30 fucking seconds to go pull up a search list full of play-throughs if you really wanted to get a feel for how it was before playing yourself, or even just to watch it without having to play yourself if you're too lazy to do so. That's practically what play-through videos are for, so you can enjoy a game you can't or don't want to play or whatever.

But no, instead you want to sit there and bitch about how awesome all these games look, instead of actually going to watch them. Online. Where you already are. For free. By dozens of people.

I will kill you.

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Hmm, considering I'm on this site at LEAST once a week, it's been an awfully long time since I updated.

I'd like to say I started off this new year feeling healthy and sane, but that would've been a big, fat fucking lie. I can't remember the last time I felt healthy and I don't know if I've ever been sane.

Details.

Really, the only thing new in the last six months are my fandoms and the levels I've gained in my god-tier life-managing skills. Sometimes I'm so good at it I scare myself.

I'd like to spend more time this year with some of my friends really. I've become too accustomed to hiding in my loft, I should really get out more. Problem is I'm perpetually short on cash and thus stingy about gas, so trips out for anything other than necessity are uncommon. Fortunately most of my friends are gracious enough to come to me when the opportunity to hang out presents itself. Of course, one of them has kids that often tag along, and as much as I love them and as adorable as they are (the baby bird calls me 'Nina', oh god, so cute, KILL ME), there are just too many things in my apartment that are strictly NOT for children: figures, swords, small objects that look great for chewing/throwing/slamming, plenty of shelves with shiny things to climb...yeah. A nightmare. They are also very fond of their house-cat, who is good with kids and friendly, as opposed to my boys, who make for cover when someone under four feet enters the vicinity and maintain a strict 'no-touching' policy if they get too close.

Ah ha ha, ah ha. Ahhhh...so sad.

And the backlog of games to play; oy vey. I'm doing second playthroughs with at least six of them and want to start second playthroughs with four more. This does not include new games that I'm doing first playthroughs of, the most recent being Fire Emblem: Awakening. Oh my god, that game is so fucking good. I'm sure if I had it back in October when my sister and I went on our roadtrip and she asked to play my DS during the drive, she would've enjoyed that one. Then of course there's Pokemon. I am the proud owner of both X and Y, though I've only played Y. It's the first time I've picked up and played one since Red.

Yeah, a really fucking long time.

Still, let it be said it's a great time-killer for anyone, and the new bits they added have definitely stoked the fires for the series. Current fans love it, old fans (like my roommate and I) are flocking back, and new, never-played-Pokemon-before fans are coming in hordes. They clearly did something right.

I'm just now getting started on the new winter anime line-up. I feel like given all the things I watch/read/play I should be doing reviews somewhere just for the hell of it, but making a new blog for that is kinda tedious and I am notoriously lazy. Yes, my sin is sloth, I'll own up to it. I think so far my favorite is Noragami. The show is just the right side of simple and entertaining, and I never get tired of hearing anything voiced by Kamiya Hiroshi (the sole exception being that fucking squirrel thing he voiced in Brothers Conflict, fuck that thing was annoying, but that was more its' character than his voice).

Well, I suppose for the peace of mind of the many people I know who for whatever reason care about me I should look to procuring some dinner, tiresome as it is. Signing off or now!

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My life in stasis.

Lots of nothing going on, and lots of nowhere to go.

Right now, a lot of things in my life are in a state of suspension. Things are awaiting approval, on hold, currently in review, and generally just stuck. It's a state I'm very used to being in, but more so lately.

We're on month seven, seven, of a single employment process, which is frankly fucking ridiculous. I just...sit here, with my thumbs up my ass, waiting for the people I'm trying to get this job with to pull their own thumbs out. It's frustrating to say the least.

A plus point in my day to day is an abundance of games I currently am going through, either first time or replaying, which takes off a little of the edge. And I've been writing a little more frequently, which is always a plus.

But there's just too much happening right now that I can't do anything about, and it's keeping me from achieving the stability I need to be secure in my life. And it's gone on for so long that it's even starting to make me paranoid, which, what even? Paranoid requires a level of caring I am not generally equipped for, so I'm just sitting there going 'hold up, what the fuck'.

I never thought I'd say this, but I need for distractions. At this rate, by the time I finally am stable, I'm gonna need therapy just to process it.

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Making characters: a thought process.

Haven't done one of these in a while. This time though, instead of a ramble about a particular character of mine, I thought I'd write out how I build my characters, to understand them a bit.

The hardest part of making characters is giving them all the details and peculiarities they need to make them feel alive. I have over 200 characters I've pounded out in fair detail, and probably 300-400 in total, most of which are not polished.

Because of this, and because of the frequency of which I create new series or worlds, none of my characters, even ones I've worked on for years, are completely finished.

When people ask my advice about how to make a character, or how I come up with characters, my response varies depending on what they're trying to know or understand. But for those who ask seeking guidance for making their own characters, I would say be a narcissist. Take some time to pay attention to every single fucking thing about yourself. Not just your habits or daily routines, but the entire structure of your life, mind and body. How do you sleep? What are you more likely to wear? What part of your body do you most touch at random? How do you position your limbs when moving or at rest? What weird behaviors do you divulge or exhibit at given times or situations? How do you approach activities, be they recreational or work related? What are you most likely to do or go for, what draws your attention in a store or setting?

What are you most likely to think about? What do you spend most of your time thinking about? What patterns of thought do you display, how do you take in information? How complicated or simple of subjects do you prefer to indulge?

These things that make up you as a person are the best way to create a character. Take ten very unique and personal things about you and ask yourself if your character has ten of their own. Obviously when making a character a lot of things can be glossed over. You don't have to show every single tiny detail of what makes up a machine to know how it runs or what it does.

A lot of my characters spend a lot of their time being self-indulged. Their greatest enemies in whatever series they're in aren't usually the bad guys they're fighting against, but themselves. I prefer my characters to have a lot of inward struggles they cope with every day. Past traumas, personal issues, struggles with ails or surroundings; where the hardest thing they have to overcome is their own shortcomings.

Designs are also hard. The more characters you have the more you need to be able to tell them apart, and unfortunately I don't have a style like some that incorporates unique facial features and body structures, though I am practicing to learn to do so. Modern characters, male or female, make that especially difficult because I have a rather bizarre style for clothes that you definitely wouldn't randomly see on the street.

I have I lot of things I repeat in designs as well, like a love of earrings, where practically all of my (major) characters have their ears pierced, and wear multiple earrings. I like certain shapes and cuts that I don't limit to genders, especially ones that display bone structures I'm fond of, like the shoulders and back, the collar. I like to accentuate the waist and hips, but prefer baggy pants to skinny, which makes that hard to draw. I really like the throat, and fight between leaving it open for display or decorating it somehow.

I don't believe in basing personality on gender, because personalities don't have genders, so I build them based solely on what I want the character for, not just what they do or are. The hardest characters are those with limited appearances or mindsets, because the scope of things they experience outwardly is small, so you're always guessing how they would react to something beyond their norm, like my characters the Prototype, who is usually only seen in passing, or the Crazed, who basically behave like animals though they possess great intellect and are simply locked in their current states.

My love of building characters usually brings me great frustration, because there are just so many, and a lot of them I have no idea what to do with after their creation, what kind of story to build around them. Sometimes it's easy, because the idea that created them was based around what I wanted them to do. Others were simply built off traits I liked and decided to make into a character.

In the end, I guess, a lot of them are left with nothing to do and no where to go other than to sit in my head and keep me company, but it doesn't make me love them any less.

Don't need to mark it on a calender.

It's getting close to that time.

I've been trying not to think about it, but it's hard not to. It creeps up on me when I've got a spare moment, when I'm not distracted. It curls in my stomach and sits there.

This time last year, life was pretty good for me. Things where comfortable. This time last year, I started developing a sense of foreboding, a restlessness. I tried to ignore it. It didn't ignore me.

And then...

Well, old news I guess. For everyone else anyway. Is this what it feels like to people who've lost loved ones? I've lost loved ones, but it never felt like this. Is it selfish, is it conceited, to grieve yourself?

If it is, I have to say I really don't fucking care.

I thought by now I'd be okay. In a way, I am, I suppose, but then again, I'm not.

I can't figure out what to do. How do I make it better? How do I make things right again? What more do I have to do? What am I lacking? What am I missing?

I don't...I don't...

I just want to be okay.

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Well, obviously the world didn't end on the 21st, which to all the people who thought it would, DO YOU FEEL PRETTY FUCKING STUPID NOW? 'CUZ YOU SHOULD. I GUESS NOW YOU HAVE TO FUCKING LIVE.

And thus, because it didn't, we had Christmas. Which kinda sucked because I slept on the couch like I always do, and my mom left all her fucking Christmas lights on (and there are many), and there was this obnoxious ticking/clicking noise (which turned out to be the timer for said lights), and this annoying beeping noise (from the phone which was ON ITS FUCKING CRADLE SO IT SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN DOING THAT). Long story short, I slept poorly. And at 6-something in the morning when I've otherwise given up on it and am just laying there resting, my mom comes out and leans over me (thinking I'm asleep) and UNPLUGS THEM. WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT LAST NIGHT?

By the time everyone was up and fed and ready to open presents, I was too tired to be enthused, but I did get Castle season 4 and a 12-month Xbox Live membership, as well as the bookshelf I've been wanting so I could finally unpack this fucking box that's been sitting in my loft.

My roommate also got me a 2TB hard drive, so yay, storage and back ups! With the money I received, I picked up a controller I wanted and another charging station, as well as the Tales of Vesperia movie now that I've beaten the game. Glorious dub.

Now if I can just hear back from one of these fucking jobs by the end of the year, my life would be set. This year fucking sucked, and I'm ready for it to be done.

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